learning how time can flow

I set out to learn to be more independent, less lonely, stronger. To know myself more, to find more of myself. Other things find me along the way.

When I am lonely and sad, the afternoon and evening drags on interminably. Even the night turns into morning as slowly as tree sap oozing onto bark in a sudden freeze, trapped in silent stasis. I wake and toss and turn, then try to sleep again. Or I lie around and will myself to sleep because I can't face being awake.

On the other hand, if I have some things planned to do and a schedule to keep, the day or night does not yawn before me like an unfilled chasm. I'm surprised by not finishing everything I had meant to accomplish, at having things undone.

Perception is such a strange thing, that changes everything it touches. Is it really so hard to believe that time is fluid, and matter is exchangeable for energy, when memory is unreliable and the senses can so easily be fooled?